Learning to live again

It has been a while and the new medication continues to bring changes to my life. I realized in the last few weeks that I am learning to live again and it isn't always an easy thing. I literally had everything ripped out from under me. I was so exhausted all the time that I had great difficulty keeping appointments (my first priority) and any kind of schedule was out of the question. Simple things like showering were non-existent. I did it when I physically could, but showers were maybe once or twice a month unless I had an aide to help me. I remember being in tears because this type A personality wasn't used to not getting things done. Coming to terms with this fact was not only very hard, but very heartbreaking and it took away a lot of my self-esteem.

I have been struggling with learning to live again. After being bedridden for 10 years, in a wheelchair, and feeling totally humiliated because this body wouldn't do what I wanted it to do, I guess I gave up, thinking things would never get better. I was tired of trying a new medication, feeling the hope if I felt a bit better, only to have it dashed after a few months. I have spent a good part of the past year waiting for the inevitable crash that always came. But it hasn't.

I was stuck between the old way and a new way and I finally realized that I needed to give myself permission to move forward. The routines, which I gave up on and came to hate, are now beginning to be a part of my life again. I still remember the devastation that not being able to perform simple routines brought me, and I am trying to heal from that and move forward. I am being cautiously optimistic now, but it feels good.

My knitting has also changed. Hand knitting kept me going for all those years. It made me feel productive, like I could still contribute to society even if it was in a small way. Now I have been spending every night at my knitting machines, enjoying them like I never have before. I put on an audio book and just knit away. My concentration has definitely improved and I am loving it. Here is a sock that I have been refining for the standard gauge knitting machine.

machine knit sock with Eye of Partridge heel and shaped arch

 

I had abandoned my knitting needles for the past six months. They brought back too many bad memories. I hadn't realized how sick I was until now and I now know why my children are angry with me. The severe sleep deprivation made me prone to emotional outbursts. I couldn't remember conversations that we had had that morning. And I couldn't be counted on to follow through on things, even though I wanted to. Fifteen years of this is enough to drive anyone to their limit. I existed, but I didn't live.

So in an attempt to get my needles clicking again, I pulled out the yarn and pattern for Round Trip, from Knitters72. I have wanted to make this for a long time and actually started it once but it ended up languishing like so many of my knitting attempts.I couldn't follow through and finish an item and ended up just giving up. But I am enjoying working on this now and think that I will be able to actually finish it. What a change for me!

Dakota does WalMart

I had to go to WalMart yesterday. I had put it off until I really had no choice and I was hemming and hawing about taking Kota with me. He has done well at Metro, the grocery store, but I always go to a quieter one with wider aisles. I knew WalMart was going to be packed, especially this close to Christmas, and the aisles barely allow two carts to pass.

So I thought about it while having my tea in the morning and decided that I couldn't imagine going without Dakota. He has been by my side constantly since he was 3 or 4 months old and now it feels like he is an extension of me. I know I can depend on him to tell me when things aren't good, and I have really given up worrying about it because he lets me know. So off we went.

I have to say that this dog was born to work. I got a cart at WalMart (he has never spooked over walking beside a cart). We fought the crowds of people while I picked up the few things I needed. Luckily I have been teaching him to heel without tugging on the leash because I had to let him loose so I could use two hands to push the cart. I only had to slightly correct him once and that was because a little girl came at him with her hands. If I stop, he automatically sits. If I am standing for a while, he lies down, all without commands. I am so proud of him and you can tell that he is proud of himself for doing such a good job. I truly feel blessed to have him in my life.

And now for the little things in life.

Here is Jasper, enjoying the view from my living room window. Oh, wouldn't it be wonderful to be a cat :)

Dakota and vets

It has been a while since I wrote about Dakota. He is still going strong, doing the job he was born to do.  We had a few rough months when I started on my new medication. He wasn't alerting as much and just didn't know what to do with himself. He went from alerting almost constantly to alerting a few times a day or every several days. Poor thing went through an identity crisis but I think we have worked most of that out. He still has his moments where he gets into trouble when I am up and doing something. He still isn't used to me being out of my chair so much and being more active.

He has come up with a couple of neat tricks on his own. Now if I am sitting and he is alerting, he will take one of my hands and force me to touch him. If I pull my hand away, he keeps doing this until I focus on him. I guess this pulls me out of my zoned out state and he is actually getting quite good at it. The other trick that perhaps isn't so neat is that when I am working at my knitting machine and I am tired, he will purposely pull out a cone of yarn and start chewing on the cardboard. He never touches my yarn otherwise - just when I guess he thinks I should be resting instead of knitting.

We have had a bit of bad news and I am trying not to get too upset over it. We had to make an emergency trip to the vet in September and then another one yesterday. Both times Dakota was lame in at least two legs,without any trauma or reason for it. This time he was in quite a bit a pain, to the point where he hadn't eaten for almost two days (unheard of for Dakota). He has been diagnosed with OCD (no, not obsessive compulsive disorder). I still don't fully understand it, but he is on pain meds and a supplement which will hopefully help. Actually I think the supplement is helping more than the pain meds. The last time this happened, it took 5 days for him to stop limping. I gave him a dose yesterday with this pain med and he was much better this morning, so here is hoping that the supplement will do the trick. I so hate seeing him in pain.

The down side according to the vet is that dogs with this condition almost always develop arthritis at an early age. This part is heartbreaking for me, but I know Dakota will fight to keep going as long as he can and I will just enjoy our time together. He definitely is one of a kind and I don't think I will have another dog after he leaves this earth. I just feel really blessed that I have had the opportunity to have a dog like Dakota in my lifetime.

Where did the time go?

Wow, I can't believe how fast the last month went by! And now we have had our semi-annual time change so we are set until the spring.

I have been having a blast working on my machines. For the first time in about 15 years I have been able to get into a schedule again where I can pretty much do things on a daily basis. This is an amazing milestone for me and I have to get out of the old and get into the new. After 15 years of not being able to count on myself, it is hard to set goals and schedules now. I went through so much depression when I couldn't meet my goals, now I am a bit afraid to do it, but I am getting there. I work on my machines every late afternoon/evening and thoroughly enjoy that time. I have also recently started to listen to audio books while knitting and I am amazed at how good my concentration is for that time of the day.

Mornings are still a bit rough until I have my midday nap, but they are better. I have started a light exercise regime every 2nd or 3rd morning just for 10 minutes or so. I have found that my right leg is extremely weak so I am working on building up my leg muscles again. After being bedridden and in a wheelchair so long I guess it took its toll.

I do have to admit that  I have been pushing the boundaries of the Remeron to see where it stop, but so far it hasn't. I was a bit concerned that my naps had shortened, but about 3 weeks ago, after a particularly rough week, they started getting longer again. It has been pretty consistent since then. I will have a few days of shorter naps, then a day or two with an extra hour to hour and a half. This was one of the biggest problems with my sleep - I didn't get sleep rebound. Normally when one is overtired, the sleep period will get longer to compensate and the sleep will be better and more condense. They did 7 sleep studies on me because they couldn't believe I didn't rebound with the amount of sleep deprivation I was suffering from. I do have to say after all these years that rebound is a good thing :)

The cold weather has hit and I have been on a sock kick. I have been making these on the knitting machines because I simply can't knit quick enough to replace the 10 pairs my son ruined. And quite frankly, at this point in time I would much rather be machines knitting and I have been doing very little hand knitting. My down time is usually taken up with sewing things together, although I do manage a row or two here and there.

Woman versus machine

It has baeen a while since I posted. The Remeron seems to have peaked with the body healing part and now I am moving on to learning new lifestyle changes. I have found through the years that when a medication is helping, it takes about 3 months for my body to do some healing, then another 3 months to adapt to a new way of life on the new medication. I always give things 6 months to stabilize before I give a thumbs up or down. I got thrown for a bit of a loop this time because my old pharmacy had me on the wrong medication for a month and I had to recover from that.

Lately I have been back to my first love, machine knitting. I had my first machines back in 1985, 2 Brothers which my ex disposed of when I left him. Then I lost my machines again 2 years ago when I left my abusive son, including my beloved Passap. I have started building up again and have a Brother 260, and Singer 560 and a Singer 700. I never really worked on the Singers before now and I do have to say that I like them, especially the lace carriage, which transfers and knits in the same row. I find it so much easier to push and it sounds gentler on the needles than the Brother did.

I was trying to finish off a sweater last night. I am making Primula by Carl Boyd. I happened to have some Crocus Yeoman Panama on hand and Carl was kind enough to help me lengthen the top. I also found that I could use lace card #6 on my Singer for the lace pattern, as long as I remembered to advance it one row every second row to eliminate the extra plain knit row. I was happy, especially after hand transferring the first sleeve.

So yesterday afternoon I sat to do the lace around the front and back neck. Easy enough, right? Not! The machine and my brain wouldn't cooperate. I must have ripped that piece out 6 times before I finally got it right. I had stitches dropping, I forgot the edge pins, dropped a stitch somewhere, etc. etc. But woman did win out over machine and I got the front and back pieces done. Now I just have to sew everything together.

In the meantime, after many years of wanting to do this, I made leggings to wear under my pants in the winter. One pair are sewn together and I have two others in various stages of finishing. I am still enjoying the feeling that I was able to finally bring an idea that I have had for about 10 years  to fruition. Yup, the Remeron seems to be helping a lot! Now most of my resting time is spent sewing things together because I am knitting faster than I can finish!

Yes, some days life is good!

Peaches & Creme is here!

It has been a long struggle and there is still a lot of work to do, but I am happy to announce that the new web site is up. I am endeavoring to bring Elmore-Pisgah yarns into Canada and I hope to expand from there.

For those of you that are unfamiliar with the yarns, they are mostly cottons ranging from size 10 thread up to a double worsted weight. The Peaches & Creme line is comparable to Bernat Handicrafter but I personally find it softer and there are many more colours to choose from.

I would be delighted if you would take a look and follow us along at http://napaneeyarnstore.com/

Look forward to continuing changes and additions as I get more added to the site and don't be afraid to let me know if you have any questions or comments. See you there!

Making Progress

Things are going along albeit at a slower pace than I would like. My web site should be up shortly (fingers crossed). I was told it would be up yesterday, but it still isn't up .

In the meantime I have been working on the two Vortex shawls and a top for me.Am I ever glad I found my mistake when I cast on the shawl for Deb. Things work in mysterious ways sometimes. I am working the shawls continental but I find that I am having trouble purling, so the top is done in English style. Without realizing it, I had changed how I tension the yarn in my left hand. I just happened to look one day and I was tensioning it differently. Talk about letting your fingers do the walking!

Here is the Kauni Vortex shawl. I have to say that I really like this yarn. It is a bit course, like Shetland, but the colour changes are long and there is no sudden change in the colour way like I have found in other self striping yarns.

This is going to be big and just beautiful!

I have switched needles for the Colourmart angora/merino shawl which is coming along nicely. I had a bit of a problem tensioning at first because the yarn is a laceweight, but I am getting the hang of it now.

As you can see, with the finer yarn the holes open up a bit more. This should be a good size shawl as I have 1500 yards to work with.