Wednesday, April 13, 2011

I don't do mornings

I saw this saying on a tee shirt and realized that it is such an expression of my life now. I have written a lot about the positive aspects of Remeron, but failed to talk about some of the not so good things. I have gained a lot of weight and now have borderline hypertension. I am hoping that a change in diet and exercise will help these, but time will tell.

And now, I just don't do mornings! I sleep almost 12 hours straight. I go to bed by 11:30 and get up between 11 and 11:30 the next morning. Straight through except for a pee break or two. In fact, from the time I go to bed until my first pee break, I don't even move! Now this is unheard of for me, who used to have the bed torn apart within a few hours. Now my bed stays nicely made, with one or two turnings getting towards wake up time and that is all.

So of course, I don't do mornings. I can't change the sleep schedule. It won't shift ahead and well, it is unthinkable that I should try and shorten it. After 15 years my drug induced naps have cut out and sleeping this long at night is the price I pay for that. Is it worth it? Definitely. My quality of life, although still limited, is 100% better than it was 2 years ago. I just start my days later and work at home on my machines at night.

I guess the one thing that I have figured out through all of this is that everything comes at a price. I lose my mornings to get some quality of sleep and that is something I have to live with. I think the saddest part is the ridicule from the people who haven't walked in my shoes. If I hear one more time that "it must be nice ...." I think I might choke someone:) Long gone are the days where I was up at four and dropping into bed at ten. Also long gone is any sense that I have control over my body. It controls me now, dictating what I can and cannot do, when I sleep and for how long. It was so hard for me to accept this lack of control, but I have to say, it has been a lot better emotionally for me now that I have.


  1. Having to get children ready for school has affected my health greatly. I find it impossible to get to bed earlier (things to do, and I just can't seem to shut down), but I have to be up much earlier than my body wants to :( I have started using melatonin sometimes to get to sleep, but I think it affects my quality of sleep.
    And of course, the worse your sleep, the more you need. Ugh. I'm envious (in a good way, because I understand and wish I could too) that you're getting what you need, and don't worry about others. Just say something snappy like mornings are reserved for my health treatments :)

  2. LOL. Love the comment :) Don't forget though that this has been close to fifteen years of suffering. I hope no one has to go through what I did.